SARAH'S JOURNEY : Highways, hugs, and Recovery

 

When I first began writing this blog it was originally supposed to just be an update, but an image that I snapped while visiting Sarah in the hospital after her surgery inspired me to send a symbolic message.  I almost deleted the raw file from my SD card because I didn't feel that it was the best, but the more that I observed it and the more that I reflected on the emotions I felt when I snapped the camera kept tugging at my heart.  Of course, I'm not going to put that image up top ;)  I want to make sure I'm getting my ENTIRE message across, so we'll save that for last.

 

                    Sarah came home today, but not without a wild roller coaster ride.  She had surgery to remove her thyroid/cancer last Thursday and the aftermath was chaos just as we predicted.  Generally, you are able to go home to continue recovering after 24 hours and after this type of procedure it's "normal" for a person's calcium levels to be out of wack and they usually regulate themselves within 48 hours.  Sarah's levels have been extremely low along with her magnesium levels, so she had a longer stay unfortunately. If the hospital would have discharged her any earlier with her levels being so low that would have greatly jeopardized her health all together. 

         I went to the hospital to visit Sarah just a few hours after her surgery.  I have to confess that I was really nervous about visiting her.  I have never had to deal with seeing a loved one in a hospital after a serious surgery.  During the car ride to the hospital I twitched in my seat and went through the motions of all of the annoying nervous habits that I can't help but do during difficult times. As my boyfriend and I walked across the parking lot and towards the hospital entrance I looked up  I looked up because I was told that her room was on the 8th floor, so to distract my thoughts I attempted to count up to her floor and wondered which room was hers.

          It turns out that I was just as nervous as I thought I would be when I entered her room.  My thoughts were, 'Should I knock? Do I talk? Do I touch her?  What if I pull one of these iv's or cords out when and/if I hug her'???  Luckily her family was there and they share the same sense of humor as me, so we were able to lighten the mood by cracking a few jokes.  I had my camera there to document all of the images that are included in this specific blog, but I was so nervous for the first 20 minutes and could not get focused, so I put the camera down and tried to relax and get used to the environment for a bit.

                   Visually, I think the most difficult thing was seeing a
draining tube and massive hole coming out of Sarah's neck, which is pictured to the right.  She could hardly turn her neck and she spoke very quietly. 

She was understandably grumpy, but I could tell that she was happy to have her family and friends visiting .  Somehow with perfect timing I happened to capture her friend (who lives in Virginia) checking up on her through a video chat.








   







          

         
             Whether it's battling cancer, Crohn's Disease, drug addiction, alcoholism, anxiety, or depression  I think that the majority of people would agree that it can be very difficult to understand how sick somebody is when they look totally fine on the outside.  We can't physically see the battle, so when our loved ones finally hit rock bottom, take their own life, or are hooked up to a bunch of medical equipment it's the equivalent feeling to a culture shock.  I know that I probably say this in just about all of my blogs, but I really don't think a lot of people realize how sick Sarah is.  She has really good days, which can be deceiving to others who don't see her on her really bad days.  She's held it together pretty well, but things are about to get more difficult for her emotionally.  Since Sarah no longer has her thyroid her body isn't able to produce certain hormones and her moods have already began to change drastically and will continue to do so.  Eventually, she will take a hormone medication that she will be on for the rest of her life, but within 4 to 6 weeks she has to take a dose of radiation pills and she in unable to start the hormone medication until after radiation because it can interact negatively.  This is going to be extremely difficult on everyone because Sarah hasn't and won't be herself for awhile.  She's in a very fragile state (emotionally and physically), so it's really important that those who know Sarah really understand this. Little things that normally don't bother her appear to be big problems, her feelings are hurt easily, and her temper is much worse.  She was really worried about this before her surgery and mentioned numerous times that she hated the fact that she wouldn't be able to control these emotions, so please.  This builds up to what I wrote about in the very beginning of this blog.

          Now, in the very beginning of this journey I know that I said I would only include black and white images because I feel they are much more powerful and symbolic for this type of documentary, but  I'm going to break this rule for a moment because I find it appropriate in order to get my message across.  After all, I am a Photographer.

     When I first arrived and was still nervous I stood in the corner of room by the window for a few minutes.  As I gazed through the window I observed all of the all of the cars going down the highway and a calm feeling washed over me.  The dim street lights, the slightly brighter yet complimenting headlights, and glowing red taillights gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and then something else caught my attention.  I glanced up and saw my friend's reflection in the window.  She looked so helpless laying in the hospital bed and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.  I thought about how strong of a person she is and quietly snapped a couple of pictures (pictured above), knowing that this was the image that would symbolically describe every frustration that I have been feeling for her.

         I turned my attention back to the cars and the highway.  I thought about how all of the people driving those cars are innocently going about their daily lives/schedules while people like my friend are fighting for their lives in a hospital that is only a couple hundred feet in distance from the highway that these cars are driving on.  Many of these people drive by this hospital everyday and not once do they think about the people who are sitting in a room, watching from a distance.  It doesn't make the drivers wrong, but the observing patient can't help but wonder if they're being thought about while they're thinking of them.  I can't help but point out that this is how Sarah is feeling.  She hasn't come right out and worded it like I am, but it's quite easy to piece together.  People in our daily lives are within reaching distance, but they unintentionally neglect the emotional needs of somebody who is struggling.  We unintentionally become a landmark in others roads of life and assume that loved ones will always be there just as the hospital becomes a landmark to the drivers on the highway.  We are all guilty of becoming so caught up in our own lives and problems that we forget that it's not all about us, just like the drivers who are so set on their route and next destination. They forget that in each of those hospital windows is person who is fighting much harder than they are and more often than not a lonely feeling tags along.

        I want to challenge everyone who is reading my blog and the reason being is because Sarah inspires me in more ways than she'll ever realize, so I would like to pass some of that on to whoever is reading this.  Who is the emotionally strongest person in your life that comes to mind right off the bat?  HUG THEM when you see them next.  They may not appear to need a hug, but I guarantee that they need it more than they let on.  They may not be enduring the same physical challenges as Sarah, but she is the strongest person who comes to my mind. She's tough as nails, but low and behold, she needed a hug.  People need to feel loved by other people... She needed a hug and my hug meant more to her than you could ever imagine.  When I went through deep dark depression I pretended to just be angry because I saw my tears as a weakness to others.  I remember being randomly hugged a couple of times and I felt a piece of my soul had been healed.. I could actually feel the love in that hug.  Don't be the driver who looks at all of their surroundings as landmarks.  Realize that there is beauty in EVERYTHING and in every window is a story and familiar person who may need you.  You just need to look into that window and put yourself in others shoes.

            We're so happy that Sarah is going to be able to spend Christmas at home with her 4 year old son and I'm sure he is happy too.  Again, thank you all for your thoughts, kind words, and prayers.  I know that the medical staff deserves so much credit as well and we all greatly appreciate them more than you know, but I believe and have faith in the power of prayer just as much. 











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2015 + Changes + Visions = Free Form Photo

            I originally chose Frozen Moment Portraits as the name to represent my work because it was suitable for the product that I had to offer.  My goal at the time was to capture and freeze your moments to keep for a lifetime and I accomplished that.  Throughout the years my work and style has visibly evolved into a form of Art that I am very proud of because I've worked so hard to get to this point. I truly believe that I've been able to do so because I have the mentality that there is no such thing as consuming enough knowledge when it comes to Art and I always push myself to advance to the next level once I've mastered a new skill.  My masterpieces are exactly what I hoped and envisioned they would become and I have each and every single one of my customers to thank for that. Especially the ones who saw my potential in the beginning and have stuck it out with me throughout these past 6 years.

 

             I've struggled, I've cried, I've celebrated, I've learned to accept constructive criticism, I've screwed up, I've inspired, I've been inspired, and I'm now ready to reach my new goals and visions with all that I've learned so far along this journey.  Along with my new goals and visions I will be making a NAME CHANGE to represent my work and here is why.  Whether it's the title of a book, a band, a business, or poem I strongly feel that the title should stand for what you're presenting and/or representing.  I feel that Frozen Moment Portraits limits me on how I want to expand as an Artist.  There is so much that I have and want to offer rather than sticking to your traditional posed smiles.  Don't get me wrong.. I still enjoy those and I love putting my own twist on those images, but I also want to capture raw emotion like I've been slowly incorporating because I see beauty in that.  I want to incorporate things that I have a passion for and turn it into the Art that I know it's capable of becoming.  I have a love and passion for writing/poetry, redoing furniture, painting, gardening... The list is endless.  I want to expand and roll all of my artistic abilities into one to create something unique and original.  With that, I present you... FREE FORM PHOTO. 

           FREE FORM PHOTO is my baby and my best well kept secret that I have been planning for about 6 months now.  I thought that the end of 2014 would be perfect timing to announce this change because this is when I take the remainder of the year off to regroup and prep for the upcoming year.  I want to clarify one thing to avoid any confusion : This does not mean that I'm no longer photographing people :)  I am most certainly continuing that and it will remain my top priority for my business, so you can rest assured that I am not going anywhere as far as that is concerned (lol). I am simply just expanding my creativity for both customers and myself in order to keep my passion alive and I strongly felt that a Name Change was necessary <3  What really kicked my butt into gear is my best friend Sarah, whom I've been blogging about in SARAH'S JOURNEY.  I've been documenting her battle with Crohn's Disease and Thyroid Cancer for the past month because I told her that I wanted to turn her experience into something beautiful and informing.  When I wrote her first blog that is when I knew that I needed to quit putting my latest idea on the back burner and it make it come to life. 

WHY FREE FORM PHOTO?

I feel that Frozen Moment Portraits is too... traditional? Maybe too bland?  When I think of FMP I think of a traditional commercial portrait studio with all of the works,  flawless, and " picture perfect". While that was originally my goal I let life guide me and that's not where I ended up (funny how that works out).  I went with it and it has turned out in my favor.  Today I shoot all of my "studio" sessions out of my kitchen.  I drag my lights up from my basement while almost breaking my neck each time and I duct tape my backgrounds to my wall rather than using a stand.  I used to be self conscious about it, but I realized that people admire me for putting in the extra effort and creativity.  I love it because it challenges me and it allows others to see that it's not about having the top of the line equipment or perfecting setting. I break some traditional photography rules to get the outcome that I want and while some may frown upon it I pay no attention because it is my vision.  I am self taught and while I do have some classes under my belt I will be honest to say that I just don't have the patience to let somebody else teach me.  I read, I experiment, and I simply learn from trial and error.  I could write a novel about why I have chosen this name, but I will leave the rest for you to see in 2015.

           Now that I've let the cat out of the bag I will be making the appropriate changes as far as my business name goes Via Facebook and My Blog, so within the next couple of weeks you will no longer see the name Frozen Moment Portraits being used on either once it has met the guidelines for approval.  This may not seem like a very big change to you, but to me it's huge and symbolic.  If you can understand that then you totally get me as an Artist and Person.  If you don't get it, well... You'll just have to wait and see ;)

SARAH'S JOURNEY : I WISH YOU COULD COME HOME MOMMY

        I know that it's been awhile since I've updated you all on Sarah's journey and it's for a good reason.  You see, every time I begin to write an updated blog with Sarah's condition something is changing within the split of a second.  Rather than posting a roller coaster full of false worrying and a play by play I think it's most suitable to let time run it's course. 

          Since my last update Sarah has made several hospital visits.  All throughout her battle with Crohn's Disease Sarah has been going to local hospitals and Doctors because it's most convenient for her as far as transportation goes. It's very frustrating because when she has a flare up all that they do is pump her full of fluids to hydrate her, prescribe her another steroid/antibiotic, and send her home.  She is okay for a few days, but as soon as she tries to eat just about anything she is back to square one.  Her latest flare up occurred around Thanksgiving.  She became severely dehydrated and unable to keep food down, like usual.  On top of that she developed a UTI that's caused from some of the medications she is required to take. Her family finally had enough of the waiting game so they made the decision to take her to the Cleveland Clinic in hopes that she could receive better treatment. 

Sarah during her stay at the Cleveland Clinic.  If you know Sarah then you will know how much weight she's lost just by looking at this picture she took.
 

     
            Unfortunately, I was unable to be by Sarah's side for this hospital stay because of the distance.  Sarah is literally withering away before our eyes. When she last stepped onto the scale she weighed in the 130lbs range, which is close to 100lbs lost within the past 7 months.  This is what led her family to the decision to take her elsewhere for the time being.   Not only is this extremely hard on Sarah, but her family/friends who were unable to visit her regularly, her 4 year old son who misses his mommy dearly when she has to leave, and her Mother who is doing a hell of a job emotionally supporting Sarah and caring for her son while she is in and out of the hospital.  It broke my heart into a million pieces when Sarah told me what her son said when they spoke over the phone. 


The most recent picture of Sarah after she lost all of her weight
from her battle with Crohn's Disease.

Before Sarah's most recent weight loss back in
August.

 

















                 " I wish you could come home mommy "...  If that doesn't tug at your heart strings then I don't know what will.  Children are so much smarter than we give them credit for.  He may not understand all of the details, but he definitely knows that his mommy is sick.  So, pretty please with sugar on top;  While continuing to pray for Sarah please include prayers for this young boy and all of Sarah's family.  I know that we don't intentionally neglect their feelings and emotions, but this whole journey is just as difficult on them as it is for Sarah.  They may not feel what she does, but it's definitely effecting them just as much, but in a different way. 

               I originally began writing this specific update when she was admitted to the Cleveland Clinic, but I held off on posting due to all of the random decisions being made by her team of Doctors.  She was put on a diet of strictly liquids and once she was hydrated enough they began letting her have solid foods again. We expected Sarah to have a longer stay at the hospital, but to our surprise she was discharged after just a few days.  I'm happy to say that my best friend has been doing extremely well for the past week.  She's been put on a steroid that has been helping tremendously and she's been able to resume some of her normal daily routine and mommy duties again. This steroid is by no means meant to permanently replace her Crohn's medication.  As I've mentioned before she is unable to take the Humira because it can negatively interact with her upcoming surgery and radiation to remove her thyroid cancer. Once that part of her journey is complete she will be able to resume it again.  I want everybody to realize that these are 2 completely different medical conditions that are not caused by one another.  Sarah was unfortunately, dealt a bad hand of cards though I fully believe that both your prayers and the Cleveland Clinic combined are what have drastically improved her health within the past week. I want everyone to also understand that her condition can drastically change at any time, especially since she is unable to take the medicine that is specifically designed to prevent flare ups in her colon due to her Crohn's Disease. 

                 We're taking it one day at a time because that is all that we can do.  In just 10 days Sarah will go into surgery to have her thyroid removed and while she is happy to be feeling much better the stress and worry of her upcoming surgery is beginning to overshadow that. I will update you all when I feel that it is appropriate.  Right now we are in the process of planning a day to bake holiday treats before her surgery.  This is something she looks forward to doing every year and because she is unsure of how she is going to adjust after the procedure we want to do it before hand.  I thank each and every one of you for your kind words, prayers, and concern.